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October 17, 2019

First, there was love. I was ecstatic, over the moon. I had been in relationships before but I had never felt the kind of love I was experiencing now. Is this what it is? Is this the love that I have seen in movies and read in books? I had not even begun to understand how beautiful this was. It was a rainbow of different beautiful emotions- gratitude, kindness, love, affection, not just to this person, but to everyone around me.

And then there was Premature Ejaculation the first time we made love to each other, and the following six months. Here I was - with my world shattered, a plethora of dreadful feelings inside. Shame, self-loathing and hate engulfed me. Will she love me now? She can never love me now - this thought took hold of me, grew in me like a parasite and took over everything as I felt paralysed.

I became withdrawn. I was there, but never present. This idea was ever present in me - why will she love me. She can’t love me. Even when she said, this is okay. We will work throug...

June 11, 2018

The above quote from the Atharva Veda can be interpreted in two ways, a war that we wage outside in the physical reality and the other one that we knowingly or unknowingly wage against our own selves. The second war through the ages has been regarded as the tougher one, as the final victory over one’s own mind has been cherished by philosophers and practical men alike.

For me it had been a much more difficult task as ‘Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)’ has been an unpleasant companion from the early teens. Earlier I had only minor symptoms such as having the urge to wash my hands frequently and the tendency to check and recheck things. As I grew up, I got rid of these symptoms by the constant application of my will and by 18, I thought was free.

Well, I was not. The second phase of this condition came when I was 20, and collided with the most disastrous event of my life. It was back in 2012, when my family business went through a devastating time and we were almost on the streets. I wa...

May 17, 2018

The Harry Potter series used to be close to my heart while I was growing up. I stopped reading the books or watching the films not only because I was well acquainted with them, but also because a part of me was avoiding the series. I associate happiness, hope and dreams with it – bonds of love and friendship, courage and happy endings. It was precisely for these associations that I avoided Harry Potter. I could not come to terms with myself.

Today, after many years, in April 2018, I am enjoying a Harry Potter film again. Nothing has changed, really. Not the series. Not my past. Only, perhaps, myself.

Turbulent emotions have been my companion for about a decade. I repeatedly got embroiled in unhappy relationships and suffered from low self-esteem. With time, I developed anxiety attacks, my spells of depression became chronic, I had uncontrollable outbursts, and suffered from stress. It culminated in multiple attempts at suicide. I remember vividly, as if it were yesterday, swallowing pois...

April 6, 2018

How to deal with expectations we have from self and others - tips from Psychologist Dhwani: Expectations as a topic has been discussed and debated upon countless times. Off and on I come across quotes and articles advising not to have any so one would never be disappointed. Sounds logical, isn't it? Expectations bring you disappointments so don’t have them, simple. However, if it really were as simple as it sounds, we wouldn’t still be discussing or writing about it. Because well, human relationships cannot be fully free of expectations. Whether overtly spoken or not, expectations always exist. In fact, the whole world runs on expectations. Don’t agree? Think of all ‘shoulds’, and ‘musts’ we use. Aren’t they inherently expectations – which we have from ourselves or others, or the society we live, our so-called values, traditions etc.?

July 8, 2017

Charvi Jain is not just a therapist. She has been my saviour and now is my life line and anchor, keeping me from wandering across that thin line into insanity. I discovered my mind plays tricks on me a few years ago plunging me into the depths of darkness and lifting me into dizzying euphoric highs. It all came to a head when stresses at work and at home collided and my mind caved in leading to my first episode. The psychosis that I experienced, I can't bring myself to remember, let alone describe in any detail. It's a painful nightmare, that I lock away as it fills me with terror and shame. Am grateful to have family and friends who stood with me and saw me through to the other side despite my absurd conduct.

To temper down the episode, I was immediately carted off to see a psychiatrist who put me on pills, sedatives and mood suppressants that numbed my mind and led me to sleep through days on end. Another tragedy followed and I found myself gaining weight rapidly, binge eating. I knew...

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Expectations: to have or not?

April 6, 2018

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