Over these passing years I had always been looking for happiness and ecstasy but I never found it, until I realised that what I was looking for, actually lay within me.
Over the last few years, I had turned into a coward person, scared of possibly everything that exists. A person who is scared of failures even before trying. A person who looks into the half filled glass and stares at the empty portion only. I had grown up to be a person who always looks for the negatives. I had my reasons too. I was tired of living on that brink of hope that someday this constant feeling of vulnerability would go. But, life started gifting me more of it.
I lost out on friendships, I broke up with people I loved, I left things that I enjoyed doing, I gave up on life. I didn't know what to do next. Even if I tried doing something good, my mind kept asking me.."Why do you have to do anything at all? What's the point? Everything is useless at the end of the day." I lost that energy within me. I just felt like a failure, a retired heart in the battle of life. Everything around me seemed pointless. Sometimes, I did want to kill myself, for I had nothing to possibly look forward to. Soon afterwards, I fell sick, I didn't eat much, I felt nauseated always, didn't want to study, didn't want to go to places I loved going. Even when I tried new things I started feeling anxious, panicked and breathless.
One day, my doctor recommended me to try psychotherapy. I searched online, and practo brought me here to Over a cup of tea. Initially, I was apprehensive. I didn't think this whole idea of psychotherapy would work out because I was a stubborn person. I was in a state when I felt no one could really help me out of this. I used to feel like I am a trouble to everyone and maybe no one wants to be around me. I was hopeless.
To my amazement, as therapy progressed, things started to change. My thoughts started to change. Dhwani, my counsellor, lent me a hand and pulled me out of this mess I had created. She never made me feel unwanted. I am sure she must have had a hard time in dealing with all my silly thoughts. But yeah, she very patiently did. She taught me not to look back into the past and look into the bad sides only. She guided me to a better way of life. She taught me to think of what to think. She taught me to dance along the breeze and streak a ray of happiness over the dark ash clouds of depression. Yes, now I have hope that one day the rainbow will reveal itself after the rains are over.
To all those sceptical of psychotherapy, take a shot at it, for it can change the way you see things.