First, there was love. I was ecstatic, over the moon. I had been in relationships before but I had never felt the kind of love I was experiencing now. Is this what it is? Is this the love that I have seen in movies and read in books? I had not even begun to understand how beautiful this was. It was a rainbow of different beautiful emotions- gratitude, kindness, love, affection, not just to this person, but to everyone around me.
And then there was Premature Ejaculation the first time we made love to each other, and the following six months. Here I was - with my world shattered, a plethora of dreadful feelings inside. Shame, self-loathing and hate engulfed me. Will she love me now? She can never love me now - this thought took hold of me, grew in me like a parasite and took over everything as I felt paralysed.
I became withdrawn. I was there, but never present. This idea was ever present in me - why will she love me. She can’t love me. Even when she said, this is okay. We will work through it. I didn’t trust her. Who can love a lesser man? In all those moments of love, I wasn’t able to love. Whenever she said, I never listened. I dreaded love making. I dreaded the intimacy. I obsessed over my performance every time and feared the present and the future in those moments of closeness. And the obsession and fear kept on getting the better of me. I was so obsessed with myself, it never occurred to me that I wasn’t even concerned about her, let alone love her, it was all me me and me…
It was only after my sessions with my counsellor at Over a Cup of Tea, that I was reintroduced to my own self. We explored what it means to love someone and what it means to be so incapacitated as not not be able to love the other. We discussed my assumptions without any judgement. I saw the light. I saw the catch - one cannot fully love another unless one can fully love one’s self….
I realised that it was possible to live where I was. It was possible to not fear. It was possible to treat this as a part of me, in fact even embrace this part of me! It wasn’t my mistake, it wasn’t her mistake. Why was I punishing both of us? Our therapy sessions taught me that I had a choice, that I can play a conscious role creating new experiences for myself which exposed me to a new way of being, a freedom from my rigid patterns of “bass I am this only” and a hopelessness about never being able to change.
In therapy, I found a space where I was given an opportunity to live in the present and have a new future borne out of it. Instead of obsessing over my performance, fearing the future which was built on my past experiences, I learnt how to fully engage myself in my interactions by being present in the here and now, by giving the present moment its due respect and not polluting it with my dread of the what-if’s threatening my self-image. I realised that change and possibilities are always awaiting us, only we are too trapped!
Not only was I able to do justice to my girlfriend and our relationship and little by little as my premature love for myself and my girlfriend gained maturity, so did the premature ejaculation. But this way of being has become a part of my way of being in every aspect of my life and I have much to thank Ms. Harleen Kaur of Over a Cup of Tea for helping me get back on my feet, where I am now able to roller blade, and jump, and slide, and glide through life with ease and joy.
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