“Happiness is ... a warm puppy.” ― Charles M. Schulz
Happiness is really that simple. However, I forgot this feeling for a while; I became so numb that I could only dream of feelings and not feel them.
One often associates such things with traumatic experiences of the past but truth be told I had a pretty normal life, a good life. I have parents that love me and friends that I can count upon, and yet I was lonely. I don’t know how it all started, perhaps I was overthinking it, thinking too little, or maybe thinking it all wrong but as I grew up I became more and more confused. We grow up believing in so many things and extracting our hope from them but as you grow up you realise most of it is not real and you only end up questioning your existence.
My life was not bad, I knew it even then yet all I felt was detachment. One should not continually feel sad for long, it takes a toll on the mental and physical well-being. It was not until five years later that I would discover it to be Clinical Depression. I was young then, how was I supposed to know it was not just a phase in my life or just things in my head like others made me believe. Soon I gave up trying to express myself; it was easier to just act happy.
This despondency cut all my ties with my friends, family and the real world; If any was spared my anxiety and panic attacks saw to that. Not knowing what is going on with me, keeping a happy facade, and struggling to catch up with real life I reached a point where I felt easier to just give up. I remember how every night I use to cry myself to sleep hoping I would not have to face the next day and scream and curse at myself when my eyes would open in the morning. I am sad to admit that I did not have the mental capacity to care about people that I was going to affect by ending my life. It’s only that I was not being a great help staying alive either. I did desperately try to reach out and find something to pull myself out, but I was merely looking in the wrong places.
Now, thinking about it I feel immensely proud not going through with it. I did not have a shred of hope and I was ready to say goodbye but I needed to tell the world, “I tried my best and sometimes you can do everything right and still fail. I did my best and I am not looking for an easy-way-out; I am not a coward, I just can not continue to live. I have no reason to.” A suicide was not the best of ways to say that, so I guess I waited. I could not make up my mind and I don’t know if it was strong or weak. However, I do know, it was one of my best decisions ever.
“Death is so terribly final, while life… life is full of possibilities.” ― George R.R. Martin
I simply decided to wait it out: life did not get better for a long time even after then. I grew further detached, miserable and weak. It came to a point where the negative feelings overwhelmed me so much that I decided to just be numb and not feel at all. I thought I could live without being happy. Days would move at an agonisingly slow pace and I had absolutely nothing to look forward to. Again I lost myself, this time to my bad memory. I forgot who I was and I had no intention of finding him or getting better. Unsurprisingly, my health grew much worse and I had to pick myself up just to learn more about it.
Like any other person unable to sleep at 3 am, not knowing what is wrong with him, I googled it. After getting rid of the complementary search results that suggest “cancer”, I began reading about depression. About a day later I booked an appointment. It is hilarious to admit that even then I did not believe I will get better. In some ways, I had given up on a happy life. Alas! I was in the excellent care of psychotherapist Charvi Jain who made that person believe life can get better. And it is not a surprise that it did.
By the third session, I knew that I desired a change in me; I had something to look forward to. It did take time, but after with each session I weirdly knew I am heading in the right direction; Anxiety turned into excitement. It became good, then great and finally awesome! I re-discovered myself, dug out that old me that I did not believe existed anymore. I found strength, hope and purpose in life. And yes, I found my happiness in life.
It is extremely hard to fight a battle that no one can see and no one can ever comprehend the pain you must have felt in your life but I ask you this, just give life another try. It is so much better to take that leap of faith and give happiness a whirl.
“The world hurts us enough on a daily basis, that we don’t need to pick on ourselves. Healing begins with loving yourself.”
No amount of “Thank you” could ever express how grateful I am to you, Charvi but Thank You!
- Trijeet Ganguly